The Beauty of My Features

I can distinctly recall the resentment and frustration I held towards the sight of my own reflection ever since I was little. My most prominent feature and embodiment of my struggles was my nose. My nose’s shape and size were magnets of ridicule and derision. I remember the way I used to poke and prod at my own skin as if it would suddenly shrink, or tear up when others commented on it. I hated staring at myself and seeing the most vocal part of my face, as if it were a constant betrayal or reminder of my genetic misfortune.

Growing up in a predominantly white community as a mixed individual, I found it difficult to search for other people like me. While I could resonate and relate to some of their experiences, I often felt misunderstood. As many similarities as we had, there was never someone completely like me. I would always live with another side of myself that felt inauthentic and inadequate. I couldn’t understand a lick of Spanish in my youth, and I certainly didn’t appear as a standard Latina. My ethnic features alone felt improper, especially my nose. My mother called it the “Rodriguez nose” and often preached on the beauty of carrying down a piece of my family. Her attempt at comforting me and instilling me with pride was to no avail. 

I often felt ashamed of it and even burdened, why couldn’t I have carried down a nose from my father’s side instead? I deemed myself cursed, forcing smiles as my peers continued to jeer at the noticeably strange feature that spotlighted in the centre of my face. Distressed, I attempted to convince myself I didn’t care. Yet, I found myself staring at the ceiling in the dead of the night, wracking my brain for ways to fit into a dynamic and foreign beauty standard that seemed to always elude me.

Throughout my adolescence and further into my early teenage years, I felt alone with these feelings of imperfection. I didn’t seem to understand the universal nature of comparing yourself to unrealistic beauty standards and being left with a mindset of incompleteness. Over time, I came to a realization. Many of my friends who grew up with me and supported me were overwhelmed by the same insecurities or overthinking that brought me to the very predicament I was in as well. We all wished for a way to change ourselves, to become some sort of ideal person that didn’t even exist. I was not alone in my struggle. But forcing myself to change for others and succumbing to the weight of societal pressure would never cleanse myself of my shame and self-consciousness. All of those burdens and aches would always stay, eating into my soul, weighing me down with every step I take. I recognized that no matter what I could try to do in an attempt to “look better”, I couldn’t remove something that I was born with. 

My nose would always be a part of me, whether I liked it or not, and ultimately I learned to accept that reality with time. What formerly existed as a reminder of my insecurities eventually became one of my favorite parts about myself. As I got older, the jokes began to stifle out and the voices of others simply became a muted sound. I learned to embrace every part of me, even the ones I could not fully love as a child. I realized that it was ultimately up to me whether or not I would choose to accept myself or live unhappily in my own skin. There was no reason to continue fighting an invisible battle with something entirely out of my control. At the end of the day, I was grateful to have a part of my family with me at all times. 

My nose was not only a reminder of my culture and roots as a Mexican-American, but also a symbol of those who had come before me. My family loved and appreciated their own features, so why should I neglect mine? If they could feel nothing but confidence and love for the features they were given, then so could I. I love my features too, and I love every single thing that they represent. I love my culture, I love my family, and I love my Rodriguez nose.

No matter what features you are born with, and regardless of where they may fit within the lens of beauty standards, you are beautiful as you are. Your features are what make you unique and allow you to stand out in your own unique way. Whether you have a nose like me that you may have struggled to love, or a different feature altogether that you’ve ultimately learned to embrace, always remember to find gratitude in it. Never stop loving yourself and find comfort in your own skin no matter what. Never forget to appreciate all the little touches that comes with your skin. Embrace who you are and love who you choose to be.